in finding forrester yesterday,sean connery told the young guy that sometimes in order to find your muse,you have to continue typing.just listen to the clicking of the typewriter and tou'll suddenly find that inspiration,that spark.
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i miss the rhythm of life.how i used to go from day to day,doing everything with ease.everything today is a challenge.there are so many things to work around,schedules that clash,faces to contend with,attitudes to watch out for.yet.each day is fun,and full of new..THINGS.somehow,i can't help but feel like i'm standing on the outside of everything looking in on people as they spend their lives,day by day.priviledged as i feel that i form part of their lives,i just feel as if.i'm not really there.i miss how easy it used t be,going from one day to another,i miss the routine.yes i do.i miss that familiarity,that easiness that used to accompany me every step of the way.how jiayi was going to be there for me every step of the way,how problems would be solved by waiting,how friendships could dissolve in a matter of days,how hard feelings would slowly erode over time.i miss crescent.looking back,so much has changed,and like mentioned before,there is an empty space between the past and the present,and not much has been done to cross that gray boundary.yet.i don't wish to cross that boundary.i like being on the outside looking in,i like being able to survey both worlds.what i don't enjoy,is watching them change,and feeling the prickling of anxiety when i put a foot into either one and watching the ripples of change swirl around my ankle.it always stuns me how people can say one thing and do another,how they can feel one way and another later.as i said.i loathe change.for it changes,it reverses the routine one always follows.
it just causes confusion.
i used to wish i could type in long profound sentences like others could.
i used to wish i could be pretty like all those girls on the streets.
i used to wish i had someone to hold on to,to laugh with,to cry with.
i used to wish i had everything.
but now.
i guess i could say i embrace solitude.for one reason or another,it just comforts me with its silence and company.i find comfort in solitude.and i'm not willing to give that up for anything at the moment.it might be an irony,but i do find friendship in solitude.people might think that it's rather sad to be alone all the time,but i'm not.i just enjoy the times when i'm away from all the bustle and activity of life.it's like wishing to be devoid of emotion when one's suffering from heartbreak or something toturous like that.
that kind of simplicity.
